Hi! My name is Millie, and I think I might be okay.
Sometimes I wake up and I just feel numb, but other times I wake up ready to seize the day and make it my b*tch. Maybe I’m okay or maybe it’s just the meds they give me. But honestly, I don’t care why. I’m just pleased that I feel that I don’t need to pretend that everything is fine anymore… because it just is.
Life is hard
It’s hard and it’s busy. I’m raising my son. I’m planning a wedding. I’m planning a (potential) house move. I’m going back to work soon. There is always so much going on.
Sometimes it all just feels a little too much.
It’s overwhelming to be doing so much.
But, I’m okay with it. I have a beautiful baby boy. I’m marrying the love of my life. I’m looking to find a nice neighbourhood to raise our boy. I’m going back to earn money to give us a good life.
This doesn’t mean that I never wake up and just wish I didn’t. Sometimes I find existing to be really quite difficult. I lie in my bed and just stare at nothing wishing I just wasn’t there. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to die. But I do wish humans hibernated. That would be nice.
On the days that I feel like I’d just like to hibernate forever, I take a minute and I remind myself why it isn’t enough to just survive. Why it is that I must want more. It’s him. It’s that beautiful baby boy that I carried with me for 9 months. But it’s not just him.
I want to do it for me.
I want to work on myself for me. So that I can meet my own expectations. So that I can be the mother for him that I want to be.
I meet all of his needs, plus some. So now I must learn to meet my own. I must learn to be the person that I want to be.
I’m trying. I’m really trying. Some days I come on leaps and bounds. Other days it’s one step forwards and two steps backwards.
But I’m getting there…
Each day I push myself that little bit further, always trying to move in the right direction. Not always succeeding. But that is okay. What matters is that I’m trying. I’m not just surviving. I am actively doing my best to live a good life. I’m doing it for my fiance, and for my son, but most importantly… I’m doing it for me.
