A Letter To My Son

My Dear Boy,

I always said that I would never have children. I never thought that I was capable of being a mother, I’ve never liked children. I just assumed that I wouldn’t be very good at looking after one. Even when I looked after my friend’s children, we had fun but my favourite part was always handing them back.

It’s no lie that I struggle with my mental health, generally resulting in huge bouts of self-neglect, and I didn’t think it right to bring a baby into the world when I couldn’t even look after myself. That would be cruel. A child deserves better.

I never imagined having a child.

I never thought that I was going to want a baby, I never looked at one and got broody. But as soon as I looked down at the two lines on the pregnancy test, I just knew that it was meant to be.

While carrying you in my belly I felt huge waves of guilt. Why am I doing this!? I don’t know how to be a mother. This poor child deserves better, this child deserves a mother who actively wanted children.

All anyone talked about while I was pregnant, was you. Get over it. I would think. It’s just a baby.

But then, you came.

You weren’t just a baby. You were the light of my life.

Not everyone feels an instant connection their babies when they’re born, but I did. The moment they put you on my chest my heart exploded with love. Nothing else mattered anymore, only you. I knew in that moment that I would move heaven and earth for you.

You are everything…

There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. For years, your Meemaw has said to me “from the instant you were born, we were connected. There’s a little red string that links you to me, and it will always be there.” and I never understood it.

But it’s true.

You and I are connected, I feel your pain and your happiness. All I want in this life is for you to feel joy, and I will do everything in my power to make you happy.

I don’t know if I will ever live up to my own expectations. I don’t know if I will ever be the mother that you need and deserve. But I do know that I will always try my best for you. Everything I do in my life, since the moment I found out about you, is for you. To give you the life I dream of you having, the one you deserve.

It is a privilege to be your Mum. I get to love you. To hold you. To comfort you. For that I am the luckiest woman in the world.

All of my love,

Your Mummy xxx