I’ve felt guilt for a lot of different actions and decisions over the years, but there is no guilt like Mum Guilt!
In every step of TinyHuman’s tiny life so far I have felt at least one prang of Mum Guilt. When he was really tiny, I felt guilty because I didn’t automatically know what he wanted- I couldn’t tell the difference between each cry… why not? They told me I would just know! Why didn’t I know!?
Then it was the guilt that I struggled with my mental health. How could I have bad days when I have him in my life? How dare I be sad when he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and gives me his cutest smile? Does that mean I don’t love him enough? Mum Guilt.
And TinyHuman is teething. No one told me how soul-crushing that it would be! I wish I could take his pain from him. I would rather feel his pain tenfold than have to witness him experience it, but I can’t, so instead of his pain… I feel Mum Guilt.
Mum Guilt. Mum Guilt. Mum Guilt.
Now I enter the never ending debate. To work or not to work. Do I stay at home and spend everyday with my baby but struggle financially? Or do I go to work and juggle child care?
If I choose to stay home with him everyday and struggle financially then can I give him the life that I dream of him having, the life he deserves? No. So what would I feel if I chose that option… Mum Guilt.
If I go to work and juggle childcare then I’ll be able to afford to give us all a good life… but I’ll miss those beautiful moments that come with having a baby! What if I miss the first word or the first step? Mum Guilt.
The conclusion reached was that I will work part time in a role where I can choose my own hours and sit somewhere between the two, still guilty. I will work hard to earn us some extra pennies to have a good life but I’ll still be around lots to spend time with my favourite TinyHuman. It was a difficult decision that required lots of thought, discussion and searching. It’s the right decision for my family.
But I’ll still feel that guilt. The guilt that I can’t have the it both ways. The guilt that I can’t do it all.
Guilt is to the spirit, what pain is to the body.
Elder David A. Bednar
He’ll never know the guilt that I feel, he will feel that his Mummy did her best for him. He won’t know if the life we live is the one I dream of for him, he will just know that he is growing up surrounded by love and happiness. So I really must cut myself some slack… but I’d probably just feel Mum Guilt for that too!
