This in fact, is entirely untrue. Today, I felt like a shit Mum. It is important for us to differentiate the two.
Am I actually a sh*t mum, or am I just struggling?
Yesterday TinyHuman slept all day. We knew it was a mistake to let him, but he was just so tired and I had to do lots of driving. Can’t watch the road and keep the baby awake- gotta pick one!
So this image basically depicts myself and TintHuman on numerous occasions between the hours of 03:30 and 06:30 this morning. He woke up and decided that actually, it was definitely time to cry.
He was fed, he was changed, he was burped, he was comfy, he was given lots of cuddles. But still he needed to cry, and you know what… so did I. So I did.
I spent the hours pacing the upstairs, jigging, trying to comfort him. But that post-natal is every bit the b*tch that people tell you it can be. Every now and then his screaming would just get to be too much, I’d have to put him down and remove myself from the situation. All the while messaging my sleeping Mum and having a complete parenting breakdown.
Following our delightful three hour joint meltdowns, TinyHuman decided that I’d earned myself one whole hour of sleep because he is ever soo generous. Then he was at it again! I should probably note that TinyHuman is currently going through transitioning his formula to a dairy free one due to a milk allergy so he can be impossible to soothe while he is still experiencing the symptoms of his allergy.
After so little sleep, all I wanted was a cigarette and an energy drink- well that’s a lie, I really wanted a stiff drink and a long nap but I try to be more realistic than to believe I’d ever get that! TinyHuman however decided that I’d had all that I’d earned and therefore things like peeing and eating were off the cards, so my luxuries were never going to happen.
It reaches a point where the screaming is all you can hear, you can’t even think, which then inhibits your ability to deal with the situation. You find yourself a mess, you just want to sit in a dark room somewhere and cry.
But you can’t. There’s a TinyHuman there that needs you.
So you pick them up and find yourself saying “it’s okay, you’re okay” in such a tone that you’re not sure if you’re talking to them or yourself. Either way, no one is convinced.
Eventually, TinyHuman fell asleep. I envied him that, but there was no napping while he did. My brain was just whirring with guilt that I’d felt so frustrated with the most perfect human being in existence, especially when he can’t help it and it’s just his way of communicating.
How could I convince myself I was a good parent, when I could get so frustrated with him or when I couldn’t soothe him? I couldn’t, but I’m fortunate to have an amazing support system and a Mum who will constantly remind me that: yea, this sh*t is tough, but that boy is loved and cherished, and I always do the best I can for him.
In our family, mental health has always been something we recognise and support each other with. I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who remind me that it’s okay to struggle, but that does define who I am.
I feel that it’s paramount to ensure that we are recognising that we are not our illnesses.
If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with post-natal depression please do not hesitate to seek support. You can contact your GP, Pandas , APNI, or local support groups. There are many avenues to go down to ensure you get the support you need.
As always, if you are in need of support but are unsure where to look, you can find some links that I have found useful here.
We have to ensure that as mothers, we remain well in ourselves to be able to be the best parents we can be to our tiny humans. There is no shame in admitting that you need support.
