Breastfeeding or not breastfeeding is a big decision that all pregnant people face at some point. For some there is hardly a question, others have to think a lot more about it.
For me, it took thought. On the one hand, the thought of it made my stomach churn and I did not want my baby to rely so heavily on my physical body. On the other hand, it would be conveniently available and it would save a lot more money than formula feeding would. But also I really like my nipple piercings and did not want to lose them. But it is supposed to be an amazing bonding experience for Mother and baby.
A debate that I went over hundreds of times throughout my pregnancy, I’d settle on an answer and then change my mind. My Husband was no help “it’s your body and it’s your choice, I’ll support you either way”. Stop being so supportive and just tell me what to do!!!
I didn’t actually settle on an answer at all in the end. The midwife handed me my son and asked me how I planned on feeding him, I just stared at her blankly and shrugged my shoulders… “can I try a bit of both?”.
“Well that won’t work!” she sternly responded before beginning to tell me how to get him to latch. So, breastfeeding it was!
For the first 48 hours of TinyHuman’s life we did breastfeed, but he didn’t take to it. He wouldn’t latch properly, then when he would latch he would barely take any milk. He lost a lot of weight, he was jaundice and he was unhappy. I hated it too- it hurt, I had to take out my nipple piercings out each time and put them back.
The decision was made at 5am after his second night, The Man brought him to me and I tried to feed him. I’d cried in agony as I’d taken out my piercings, and I desperately tried to get him to latch. As I sat there crying, I just kept saying “I can’t do this” over and over, wiping my tears before they fell on my child. “If you want to stop, then as soon as the shop opens we’ll buy some formula”, he said the words I needed to hear.
So, we made the switch. I felt so many mixed emotions, but mostly I felt relief. Then I didn’t give it another thought.
Recently however, over 7 months later one simple sentence made me realise that actually… I do have feelings about us not breastfeeding anymore.
Can’t you just breastfeed him?
The receptionist at our GP surgery in conversation about the prescription formula shortage.
No. I can’t.
I felt like I’d been shot. I can’t just feed my child. What kind of sh*t mother can’t just feed her child?
Me, I can’t. I couldn’t even feed my child when I had milk. My milk wasn’t good enough.
As a mother who suffered (I’m using past tense, but that’s probably just foolish optimism) with some severe post-partum depression and doubt about her ability to be a mother, this development was not helpful.
At the time the relief of not having to go through the physical pain made me just bury the emotional pain that failing to be able to feed my baby.
We quickly discovered after switching to formula that TinyHuman is allergic to milk, so he has to have a milk-free prescription formula.
Every couple of weeks I struggle to get hold of the formula- there’s a national shortage. Each time it is just as difficult as the previous.
I fight tooth and nail to get my son the formula he needs, not always succeeding soon enough. Some days, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s weaning- we’d be screwed.
So when I fight so hard for my son to be asked such a question, causes damage.
To breastfeed or not to breastfeed- it’s not always a choice.
I like to think that if my TinyHuman had taken to breastfeeding then I would still be feeding him that way now, if my body allowed. But I don’t think that’s true. I hated it, I really did.
But that would have been my choice.
And that’s it. The key element in the cause of these emotions. I didn’t get to choose and I felt like I was shamed for “not just breastfeeding” my son.
So I guess my point really, aside from just seizing the opportunity to rant is… don’t comment.
