Covid is not my friend. Covid has knocked me on my ass.
While we have all contracted the virus, neither of my boys have suffered with it quite like I have. I have experienced all of the symptoms, each day feeling worse than the day before. I’m grateful that The Man is here too and that he isn’t suffering like me, because I could never look after TinyHuman while feeling so awful!
When you test positive for covid you read the list of symptoms to prepare yourself for the eventuality that you are going to experience them, but never does it mention the impact on your mental health!
It’s terrifying!
At only 14 weeks old, TinyHuman doesn’t yet have a strong immune system- he’s only had two sets of jabs, there’s still one left.
Whenever you hear about young children getting covid, it’s never good. They always got really ill or worse, so seeing that second line come up on TinyHuman’s covid test… my heart just stopped.
Then when I called for advice they sent out an ambulance (which I now rationalise was just standard procedure because of his age, but still)!!
I’ve never felt so worried for anyone in my life. I didn’t know that I could worry so much. He’s my baby! I need him to be okay!
We’ve exposed my family to covid!
When it was decided that TinyHuman and I would self isolate at my parent’s house in the hope that we would avoid contracting covid- it made sense. We had been exposed, but we were testing negative. We either stayed home where we were pretty much guaranteed to catch it, or we left and hoped for the best…
A plan that very clearly backfired on us. TinyHuman tested positive after our first night, which was it’s own horrifying ordeal. Once he was given the all clear, I felt a huge relief wash over me like a wave. Except as soon as the wave of relief broke, I was hit with an even greater wave- of guilt. We’ve exposed my family.
Sh*t.
Panic stations! I ran around like a mad woman frantically gathering our belongings and spraying antibacterial spray everywhere. Forgot most of our stuff. Jumped in our car and headed home. The whole time filled with fear that we’d infected our family.
I’m riddled with anxiety…
While the government has decided that there is nothing about covid left to fear, for some that is not the case. TinyHuman is not the only member of the family who is extremely vulnerable. Yet we’d just exposed them all.
The day after TinyHuman tested positive, I did. Then Meemaw. Then Uncle Woody. One by one it’s taking us all down.
There isn’t a guilt like it. The whole pandemic we’ve kept ourselves safe, not through self-preservation but because of those we care about… those we’ve just infected.
To add to the already overwhelming feeling of guilt, I feel so ill that I can barely look after TinyHuman. I’m so grateful that The Man has been here to take care of us both, even while testing positive himself. He is a godsend.
Covid got me feeling rough!
The worst things, for me, about having covid has been the headaches and the fatigue. The physical exhaustion. It’s insane. How am I supposed to look after a baby when I need to have a sit down every time I move five paces!? As well as physically draining, it’s mentally draining and that is hard work.
I find myself lying in bed in the mornings paralyzed by my aching muscles and all around exhaustion listening to The Man and TinyHuman play downstairs. I feel sad. I want to join in. Every part of me wants to just jump up out of my bed, go downstairs and be with my boys. But no, I can’t. I spend ages willing myself to move but it’s never that easy.
I lie there, defeated. Until eventually it aches more to be still than it does to move. I stand up and the dizziness hits me like a smack to the face and I end up just moving from the bed to the sofa.
I need a negative test.
Being at home and unable to leave takes a toll. I’ve always been a person who needs to keep busy, but right now I’m stuck. I can’t go anywhere and I don’t have the strength to do anything within my home. It sucks. I feel useless.
Right now, I am useless. I can’t look after TinyHuman. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t do anything. Useless. Useless Mother. Useless Fiancé. Useless Human.
I can’t cope with that. I can’t be useless.
Now, to make matters worse… I’m the only positive case in the house. The last to catch it and the last to be rid of it. I’m hiding in the bedroom, I don’t know how the science works but I wont risk them getting re-infected. My small knowledge of it tells me that this is unlikely but the raging anxiety coursing through me makes me hide.
I can’t wait for this to be over. I want to walk freely around my home. I want to visit my family. I want out of this house!
I’m not okay with this feeling. I feel as though I’m being swallowed by this horrendous virus. I feel like I’ve failed. I tried so hard to avoid catching this virus- I failed. I tried so hard to keep my family safe from it- I failed. I need to be there to look after my son even though I’ve been ill myself- I’m failing. I want to be a good, loving fiancé- I’m failing.
Today, I feel as though I am a failure. Today I feel ill, and miserable, and useless. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. We’ll see I guess.
